Parenting as Performance Art
By Mara Collins
“Oh sweetheart! I like what you are making! You’re using scissors so carefully, and you have so many colors. Can you tell me about your art?”
Amidst the crowd of parents and children sharing quality time together at OMSI, I overheard this exchange and felt that such thoughtful parenting should cheer me. I imagined that this woman probably had a parenting philosophy similar to my own: try to focus on efforts rather than results, give the child meaningful feedback, develop communication skills, and apparently have infinite patience for the craft room. But today–my own plans to spend meaningful time with my son seemed to have devolved into sleepily following him around as he dashed from one exciting feature to another, oblivious to me–today, with an OMSI-noise headache approaching, that patient mother’s voice got to me.
Meanly, I thought to myself, “Her words are too perfect, lifted from some magazine or book, and they’re pitched for my benefit rather than her daughter’s.” And I thought that because I have done that myself. I’ve repeated something clever my child said a little louder, hoping for an appreciative smile from someone nearby. I’ve wanted everyone around me to approve of my parenting. I even admit to having had afternoons when I purposely put on a show, taking the kids out in public because I knew other people would be listening, would be watching, would keep me from using unkind words.
But parenting as performance art treads treacherous ground. When we try so hard to project ourselves as good parents, we conceal the real struggles we face. When I was a new parent 11 years ago, I really didn’t have access to the idea that anyone else was struggling. Other people weren’t blogging about their struggles; Even the mothers in the playgroup weren’t honest about the struggling. I don’t think any of the mothers I knew in my son’s first year would have admitted to finding their babies boring, to resenting their husbands, or to any of the host of things I found hard about surrendering my pre-baby identity.
My moment of redemption for the afternoon at OMSI came when another harried-looking mother chasing her own very busy small person caught my eye and smiled with a “What are you going to do” gesture, and I was reminded that when we put away the performance art, other mothers can be a source of strength and camaraderie, of solace and advice. Being responsible for the well being, the education, the guidance and the million sticky details that accompany our children is intimidating enough. We need to not be intimidated by each other.
About the columnist
Mara Collins and her husband Raven Zachary moved to NE Portland with their four sons, ages 3 - 11, a year and a half ago and kick themselves frequently for not having done so sooner. Their family has lived in New Mexico, Prague, and Texas, and agrees that Portland is the place they want to stay. Mara is at home with the boys except when she is out with the boys (and sometimes even out by herself!) and she blogs at www.oleoptene.com.